Mixed feelings: Our wedding.

There’s been lots of action happening on the wedding planning front. Turns out, even a small wedding is a lot of work!

Neither Josh nor I are really into weddings. We both think the idea of walking down an aisle in front of a bunch of people, flubbing some awkward/personal vows, giving speeches, having a “first dance”, etc., etc. is all just about the worst thing you could ask either one of us to do.

We knew before we got engaged that the traditional wedding was not for us.

In the beginning, I felt pretty strongly about eloping, or – at least – getting married, just us, alone. But, Josh (more reasonably, perhaps) felt strongly about having his family there to see us get married. Not an outlandish request by any means, but it did open the door to having some form of wedding, beyond just a simple, private ceremony.

We spent a few weeks deliberating possible ideas, all intended to be low key and low budget:

  • could we have a backyard BBQ? (turns out, a tent rental alone would run us $2k, not to mention tables, chairs, catering, porta-potty rentals, etc. – hey, you can’t plan an outdoor wedding in NS without a tent!)
  • could we have a simple dessert-only reception at the house? (But… our house really isn’t big enough to host any more than 20-30 people).

What do we want in a wedding?

At the very beginning, we set a few goals to keep us focused on planning a day that was truly about us, and one that would make us happy. At the end of the day, we want:

  1. To get married
  2. To be true to ourselves & be happy with whatever plans transpire
  3. To have a low-stress, easy-to-plan celebration
  4. To celebrate with a few close friends and a few close family members
  5. To have a celebration that we can afford without much additional saving (i.e., something that is well within our means so we aren’t altering spending habits, or getting stressed over money)

We eventually landed on a format we are both happy with:

Our ceremony is taking place in a Dartmouth city park this summer, in the company of our parents & siblings only, followed by some family photos taken on the waterfront. We’ll then join a larger group of family and friends for a happy hour and buffet dinner at a nearby restaurant on the waterfront to celebrate our marriage.

The plans came together pretty quickly, and we’re both pretty happy with the outcome. It’s a day that is truly ‘us’ – we get to have a ceremony that we’re comfortable with, followed by a simple dinner afterward with a small group of our nearest and dearest.

Rough patches.

The past few weeks have been a little bit trying, and I’ve struggled to not let what other people think affect me. Don’t get me wrong, I can’t wait to marry Josh. I can, however, do without the associated drama. I definitely go through ups and downs, switching from being super happy about the day we’ve planned and can’t wait for it to happen, to feeling like I really just want to cancel it all and go get married in secret tomorrow.

(I *know* the day of will be fantastic and we’ll enjoy ourselves tremendously and will look back on it all so fondly – it’s just the process of getting there that I’m not really enjoying).

I think most family and friends have been relatively understanding about our wishes, but, not all have, and hearing about it is such a drag. I think many people truly don’t understand the industry that surrounds getting married, and the debt people take on to make it all happen. The latest stats show that last year, the average wedding in Canada was expected to cost over $30,000 (including a honeymoon).

We both have great incomes, but we’re not hella rich, so the idea of this is simply ABSURD in my books. There are so many things I’d rather do with $30k. I can’t even fathom such a thing. (But hey, that’s just me!)

But still, there are relatives who are (vocally) disappointed not to be invited, and friends who don’t understand why they can’t actually see us get married, or why they can’t bring their brand new boyfriend/girlfriend. Everyone wants to be more involved, which is so, so generous, and so lovely! But, it’s just not us. We don’t want a big wedding; we don’t want a fuss.

I totally get that our wedding may be a bit of an anomaly, and that we’re breaking most of the traditions. But why follow tradition unless it’s something that’s really meaningful to you?

I keep getting so many questions/comments from the people I wouldn’t expect them from. So many assumptions about how we’ll do things, like:

  • During your rehearsal dinner… (We’re not having a rehearsal dinner)
  • How many people are in your bridal party? (We don’t have a bridal party)
  • When you’re at the head table… (We don’t have a head table)
  • Me and my (brand spanking new) partner will be there! (Your partner wasn’t invited…)

I try not to, but sometimes I can’t help but feel a little hurt when my answers to these questions are met with disappointment. Let’s think about this realistically – why does anyone care that we won’t have a head table?!

Money matters.

At the outset, we asked ourselves how much money we would comfortably and happily spend on our wedding:

  • My number: $5,000
  • Josh’s number: $5,000 – $6,000

I’m a person who (to a fault, probably) loves lists and budgets and basically anything in Excel. So, naturally, I have a budget breakdown for the big day. Here’s where we’re at:

Item Cost Estimate
Dinner 3,000
Appetizers 350
Dress + appropriate underwear 800
Alterations 200
Shoes 100
Suit 500
Alterations 100
Shoes 100
Makeup, Hair & Nails 250
Flowers – bouquet 50
Marriage license 130
Officiant 100
Flowers (for tables) 120
Decorations & jars for flowers, guestbook, etc. 310
Photographer 500
wedding bands 700
City park rental 110
Hotel room 250
$7,670

Some of these numbers are actuals, and some are estimates. But it’s clear that either way, we’re over budget! We’re not stressing over it too much (I willingly spent double my initial dress budget, for example), but it’s crazy how it all adds up so fast, even with so few items on a list.

Oh, and I get that this looks like a “cheap” wedding – but seriously, when’s the last time you dropped nearly $8k on something?! It’s a lot of money!

(Plus, the cost of the engagement ring, and a honeymoon – which we are doing, but have not finalized. It’ll be whatever we can manage with a couple thousand dollars).

Cost-savers.

We came up with some ways to keep our costs down, and also nixed many of the expensive traditions:

  • Hired a friend as our photographer.
  • Ditched the wedding cake (our 3-course meal comes with dessert, anyway).
  • Getting flowers from a local farmer. The florists in town wanted about $100 per centerpiece (and we’re looking for 15 centerpieces!), so I hooked up with a local farm who is going to grow a selection of wildflowers for us, and I will arrange them in jars myself.
  • I found a local rental company for decorations, so instead of having to buy the 45 candle holders I’d like, I can rent them for a dollar a piece. I’m also getting a Just Married banner, signage, a polaroid camera, and a few other odds and ends. All on rent, and all super cute!
  • Ditched the bridal party – which is a huge expense, either for the bride & groom, or that cost gets passed on to the party, which I don’t like the idea of. It cost me the better part of $2,000 to be my sister’s maid of honour last summer. I wasn’t comfortable asking someone to do that, and I also couldn’t afford to do it myself. So, we’re not!
  • Our JoP discounted her rate to perform our ceremony, given there isn’t a rehearsal dinner or a lengthy ceremony.
  • Kept dinner numbers to 50 guests, a number the restaurant is happy with (lots of business for them, and therefore aren’t charging us to use the private function rooms or the balcony overlooking the water).
  • Guests did not get automatic +ones.
  • We’re sending email Save the Dates and invitations, pointing to a website, instead of having to buy materials, design, print, and mail hard copies.
  • Nixed the dance/DJ.

Guest list.

Fifty guests doesn’t sound that small, but trust me, IT IS. Right off the bat, after immediate family members are accounted for, we’re down to 35 guests, or, 17 guests each. There are over 40 people on my dad’s side of the family alone, if I account for all of their spouses, children, etc. Not a fun task to whittle that down!

This is why our guests did not get automatic +ones (something not everyone is happy with, so if you’re going to enforce that rule, be ready for some flack!).

Ultimately, we tried hard to stick to our guns and invite only the people nearest and dearest to us – people that, as a couple, we both have strong, personal relationships with. This does exclude a lot of friends, and a lot of family members, who are without a doubt also very close to us. If you’re going to stick to a budget, you have to slice and dice somehow.

What I’ve learned.

I suppose that no matter what you do, how you plan it, or who is invited, there will always be someone who is unhappy. The name of the game is to keep it all in perspective, and remind yourself that it’s just a party!

At the end of the day, Josh and I will be married – and on our own terms! – and that’s really the only goal.

Questions.

questionmark

People are funny. (You can already tell this post will be a bit of a rant) ;)

We have these supposedly linear progressions that are more or less expected of each and every one of us, and that’s cool, because they often make a lot of sense (go to school, find something that interests you, get a job, take on responsibility, and so on).

But not everyone wants the same things, and not everyone wants those same things at the same times (if they want them at all).

Lately there have been so many questions. My partner and I are coming up on the six year mark in our relationship – not married, and we don’t have kids – and so apparently, this sounds some kind of urgent alarm for people.

Uh oh! You’re doing it all wrong!

Except… not really.

Hilariously, some friends and family have actually given up on the idea of marriage for Josh and I, and have slowed down on asking, “When will you get married?”, and started asking, “When will you have kids?” – as if we’re somehow incomplete without either or both of these things.

(I’m 25 and have apparently bypassed marriage street, running full steam ahead to baby town!)

It’s the oddest thing. I honestly can’t relate to people’s obsession with these things. Both are very personal decisions and *should* be based on the people in the relationship – and no one else.

Why do people care so much if we’re married, or if we have 0 kids, or 6 kids?

One family member in particular is obsessed with (perhaps unknowingly) trying to make me feel bad about the fact that I don’t have either things in my life – at times ‘greeting’ me by saying things like, “Are you guys engaged yet?” instead of saying ‘hello’ like a normal person.

(This is coming from the same person who once tried to give me ‘tips’ on how to convince Josh to marry me. I’m sorry…. whaaaa????)

Pro-tip, guys: getting married isn’t hard to do! If I wanted to be married already, I would be!

People are unable (read: unwilling) to accept the fact that a woman in her mid 20s is actually – believe it or not – happy with how things are. I’m not pining over marriage, or the idea of having babies. Both are great things that people do, but neither have been right for me yet.

The things I’ve really cared about, and really focused on, have been building the relationship I have, and working every day to make it the best it can be. To work hard, save money, and buy a piece of property to call my own in the city that I love.

I’m rational and practical and some people may find that boring, but putting $20k of hard-earned cash toward getting into my first house seemed – to me – far more important than spending it on a buffet and a DJ. That’s a personal choice – it’s what I wanted and was right for me.

But I’m not against getting married or having children – in fact, I probably will get married, and I may decide to have a child one day. It just irks me that instead of celebrating the successes and the things I’m proud of, people want to point out the things I don’t have or haven’t done. My issue isn’t with marriage or children at all, it’s with the sense of entitlement people feel to judge these incredibly personal aspects of one another’s lives.

So worry not, friends & family – I’m not hiding some sort of massive secret. If / when we decide to get married, and if / when we decide to have a child, you’ll be the first to know! ;)